Karate Kid 3 (1989)

The worst film in the series; not an easy accomplishment.

Gymkata (1985)

About this guy who gymkata's people.

Best movie ever made about Gymkata!

Well, maybe the 2nd best.

Battle Truck (1982)

Battle Truck is a thrill ride for the ages!

I love this movie. It has a crossbow!

But I wish the motorcycle was more like Kit from Knight Rider.

Martial Outlaw (1993)

Section 1

Section 2

Section 3

Mission of Justice (1992)

Section 1 - The one sentence review.

Section 2 - The 100 Word Review.

Section 3 - The full review.

Jekyll and Hyde... Together Again (1982)

I was first made aware of Jekyll and Hyde... Together Again at age five. We would go to our local video store, "Video West", and the cover of this movie was absolutely mesmerizing to me. Well, actually, the back cover, which has a picture of a woman with cartoonishly large bosoms, and I'm not talking about Pam Anderson-large, I'm talking about breasts as large as a weather-balloon. At least that's how I remember it. This image haunted my subconscious for the next 28 years, until at age 33 I finally sat down with a DVD copy from Netflix.

As I pressed play I remarked to my Stack of Dimes co-host, Thunder, that I was extremely excited to see loads of 80's boobs (Any cinephile will tell you that boobs from different decades are easily distinguishable). Fifty-Six minutes later we had barely seen just the edge of a nipple. In fact, for an R-rated 80's sex comedy, Jekyll and Hyde is downright tame. I think this film would barely get a PG-13 today.

Here's the quick synopsis: It's present day (1982), and Dr. Jekyll is a surgeon at a hospital called "Our Lady of Pain and Suffering". He's a total bore who's more interested in his experiments to find a drug that will unleash the human body's survival instinct in dying patients, than he is in his super-hot, sex-starved wife.

After accidentally snorting his latest experimental drug (Which is suppose to be cocaine, but it's never called that), he transforms into Hyde, a character that today would be called a "Douche-Nozzle", back back in 1982 was probably called a "lounge lizard", or a "barfly." The transformation is definitely the highlight of the film, and nearly makes the rest of the film worth watching. Once transformed, Hyde goes out in search of a hooker who Dr. Jekyll had recently encountered and a wild night of drugs, sex, and nazi uniforms occurs. Well, at least I think it occurs. We never see any of that part. Just when you think the good stuff is about to begin, the scene fades to black, and then fades in on the next morning. Wait - What?! I just sat through all of this boring exposition to see some zany sex jokes, and instead they fade to the next morning?

To be continued...

The Wild Life (1984)

The cover says it all: a shameless attempt to cash in on the success of Fast Times at Ridgemont High starring the brother of the guy who was the most popular character in Fast Times and the guy who was kicked off of Back to the Future. With that said, this movie is still oddly compelling...

American Ninja (1985)

American Ninja plays more like an episode of 90210 than it does a movie about ninjas and the U.S. special forces. Michael Dudikoff (Pronouced "DOODY-koff", for those in the know) does his best impression of James Dean, which turns out, isn't very good. Although, it is a very good impression of James Dean with a lisp.

I Come in Peace (1990)

I Come in Peace has an awesome super-invincible gun in it, that is supposed to be from outer-space, but is really just a Calico M950 machine pistol. 

Freaked (1993)

Freaked is a time-machine back to a more innocent time in American cinema, back when CGI had only been seen in The Abyss, Pee-Wee Herman wasn’t a porn-related joke, and Randy Quaid wasn’t batsh*t crazy.

Freaked was co-written and co-directed by the guy from Bill & Ted’s Excellend Adventure (and Bogus Journey) that isn’t Keanu (Pronounced “Ken-U” for those in the know, aka, Thunder) Reeves, Alex Winter. Alex also stars as the film’s protagonist, Ricky Coogan, a washed-up child-actor whose grown up to be a delusional narcissist. Looking to make a quick buck, Ricky signs on to be a spokesperson for a toxic sludge that can only be sold in South America. Once in South America Ricky falls victim to the very sludge he was shilling, by the hands of Freak-Show Circus Ring Leader, Randy Quaid, sans craziness.

Now a mutant, Ricky is forced to join the circus of freaks, including a dog-boy (Uncredited cameo by Keanu), a literal cow/boy, and two Rastafarian eyeballs that run around with machine guns.

If it sounds like a mess, that’s because it is. But it is also a helluva lot of fun (Especially if you are watching it chemically altered. I highly recommend three very strong margaritas; they worked well during my viewing). Freaked throws a joke at the wall almost every minute of its brief 86 minute running time, and somewhere into margarita #2, they began to stick.

More than anything, this film made me nostalgic for back when Liquid Television was on MTV, Pee-Wee Herman was providing trippy children’s programming, and Randy Quaid was one of the funniest men alive (Go watch Quick Change). Also, I was drunk.

Best of all, it’s available on Netflix’s “Watch Instantly”, so when you finally make it home at 3am from a long night of karaoke, you have some something to watch while you eat your pizza rolls.